The Best I Ever Had
by Smitty
Summary: Bruce Wayne must *ruin* women for other men...*Sillyfic*


_Disclaimer: Every single character herein belongs to DC Comics and they are being used without permission. There's an odd mix of comic and animated continuity. I know it. I don't care. I'm using them for entertainment purposes only and am making no money off their exploitation. And they ARE being shamelessly exploited. _

This is my tribute to "Women of the DCU Month" and was written for Chicago and Kerrie. Because we all want to be ruined by Bruce. 

**The Best I Ever Had...  
By Smitty **

Detective Renee Montoya sloshed some coffee into her cup and walked slowly back to her desk, studying a crime report as she went. The huge bouquet of yellow tulips on her desk had to be pushed aside before she sat down and she smiled as she moved them to the back corner.

"Heard those were from Bruce Wayne," Officer Procjnow commented, coming up to Montoya's desk to duck her nose into the fragrant flowers.

"He sent them," Montoya replied carefully.

A predatory smile curved over Procjnow's face. "He sent me flowers once, too. I was sore for a week."

Montoya raised an eyebrow. "Seems to be standard operating procedure," she confided with a grin.

"Honey, I gotta warn you," Procjnow said, leaning forward. "Now that you've had Bruce Wayne, you ain't never going to get it that good again. Bruce Wayne ruins women."

* * *

"Not tonight, Clark." Lois Lane Kent smiled at her husband and rolled over. She waited a beat as she knew a disappointed look was crossing her husband's face and then she felt him settle back down beside her. She reached over and clicked off the light, sinking down into the mattress.

"It's Bruce, isn't it?" Clark asked bitterly from the other side of the bed.

"What about Bruce?" she asked, knowing full well what he meant.

"You're thinking about when you dated Bruce. I know I don't have as much experience as he does…I don't know how to do all those…things…"

"Clark, don't worry about it," Lois sighed. "I'm married to YOU. I'm just…tired tonight."

"Oh. Ok." Clark didn't sound convinced. "Lois?"

"Yes, Clark?"

"Will you just…hold me?"

* * *

"You called me Bruce!"

"It was an accident!"

"But you called me BRUCE!"

Barbara Gordon slapped a hand to her forehead and flopped back down on the bed. "It was an accident," she insisted.

"That's a hell of an accident," Dick Grayson snapped. "As if I don't already have enough issues with being a second-rate Batman, you have to be fantasizing about him during sex, too?"

"Don't think of it as a slight," Barbara suggested. "Think of it as a compliment."

"What the--Wait a minute. DID you sleep with Bruce?"

At least Barbara had the grace to blush. "It was right after you ran away," she explained carefully. "I was lonely and confused…he needed someone to ease the pain…"

"I don't believe this." Dick rolled off the bed and reached for his pants.

"It was a temporary thing," Babs sighed. "We just…" She paused in memory. "Filled each other's needs. Over and over…"

"Nooo," Dick groaned. "Make it stop…"

* * *

"Hey, Red?" Harley Quinn's painted face peered down at Poison Ivy.

Ivy didn't look up from her experiment even though she knew Harley was hanging upside down by her knees above her. Instead she merely spoke. "Yes, Harley?"

"I'm having a crisis."

What else was new? Ivy wondered. "You want to talk about it?" she asked instead.

"It's about Puddin'," Harley sighed.

"What about him?" Ivy asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Well…the thing is, he just ain't that good no more."

"Not that good? You mean in bed? I have this aphrodisiac…"

"I don't think that's gonna help," Harley said sadly. "See, I got nailed by Batman last week…"

"Ohhhh…" Poison Ivy reached over to pat Harley's hand. "In that case, there's nothing anyone can do. Once you've had Batman, there's just NO going back."

* * *

"Mom, for crying out loud," Jesse Quick complained. "I'll find a husband. One of these days. I have a business to run. I'm a Titan. I have a lot on my plate right now."

"What about that lovely Nightwing boy?" Libby Chambers asked insistently. "If he's anything like his father, I can assure you he's an excellent catch."

"His father? You mean Batman? Oh, Mom, don't tell me…"

"Batman was in need of…training…once upon a time," Libby informed her primly.

"Oh…no…" Jesse groaned.

"What is it dear?"

"Nothing Mom, I'm going to go call Nightwing."

"That's my girl."

Jesse went in her room and threw herself on her bed. She had no intention of calling Nightwing. Because after all, once you've had the Bat, everything else was just a pale imitation.

* * *

Sasha Bordeaux sat straight up in bed. Damn! He'd given her the slip again! She hated that he took advantage of his talent to escape her sight…but damn…

* * *

"Clancy!" Dick's face lit up as he grabbed his petite landlord by the shoulders.

"Well, Mr. Grayson," she laughed. "You're certainly excited about something!"

"I need to take you out," Dick declared. On a hunch, he winked at her. "Or at least up to my room."

"Mmm, well, that offer's mighty tempting, but I'm afraid not," Clancy told him.

"Too soon, I'm sorry," Dick apologized. "I'm getting way ahead of myself.

"No, no, that's not it," Clancy insisted.

"It's…not?" Dick asked, confused.

"Well," Clancy said practically, "there's that other woman you're 'getting serious' with and well…" She colored. "That fella you brought back here a few weeks ago? I have t'admit that I'm hoping he'll show up again."

"Bruce? Dick burst out, reminded of a recent visit from his mentor. "You and Bruce…oh, never mind," he said disgustedly when she shrugged. "I don't want to know."

* * *

"Perhaps you're wondering why I've called you here today," Red Claw announced dramatically. She gazed around at the assassins seated around a circular table. 

"Not really," Lady Vic told her. "After all, your invitation said you had a contract you didn't want."

Red Claw glared at her. "Be silent, unworthy one!"

"Unworthy one?" Lady Vic jumped to her chair, brandishing her sword.

"Oh, sit down," Shiva said coldly. "Get on with it, Red Claw."

"I've been offered a contract. On Batman."

"And you don't want it?" Cheshire asked, putting her feet on the table and tipping her chair back.

"Batman and I have an…understanding…" Red Claw informed them.

Shiva snorted. "Anyone here _not_ have an _understanding_ with Batman?" she asked, glancing around the table.

Pistolera and Vicious exchanged knowing looks and snickered. Chesh glanced at them knowingly. Lady Vic pulled out an especially wicked looking sword and smiled to herself as she started polishing it. Red Claw looked incensed.

"Not much competition after _that_," Vicious declared.

"Amazing," Pistolera commented. "We agree on something."

"It was a team effort," Cheshire confirmed, shutting down that conversation. "But Shiva? You nailed Batman, too?"

"Who do you think got him back in shape after the Bane thing?" Shiva asked, looking smug.

"And what a shape it was," Pistolera sighed.

"Built for action," Vicious giggled.

"What we had," Red Claw snarled, "was special!"

"Honey," Shiva informed her, "with him, it's _always_ special."

* * *

King Arthur of Atlantis, known to the world on land as Aquaman, was pissed off. Which was normal for him. But today he was more pissed than usual.

"Mera has been…difficult of late," he growled to Garth, once known as Aqualad and now the Titan Tempest.

"Difficult?" Garth queried. "More so than usual?"

"She's…withholding," Aquaman complained grudgingly.

"Ahh." Garth fell silent. "You know…Dolphin's been acting the same way lately."

"Hmmph." Aquman thought a moment. "Dolphin is…fickle."

"Yes." Garth slouched beside his mentor. "And Mera is…moody."

"She claims to be having…headaches. Perhaps I should have her see a doctor."

"Dolphin has been tired," Garth added. "Perhaps the baby has been active lately."

"Perhaps."

They fell silent, mulling their own thoughts for a moment.

"We had a nice dinner," Aquman protested suddenly. "And still she was not amenable!"

"I've actually _been_ here," Garth added. "She's always complaining I'm never around."

"What's ailing the two of you?" Vulko asked, entering the room.

"Vulko. You are Mera's closest counsel. Perhaps you know why she and Dolphin have been so…distant."

"Distant? You mean why they haven't been shelling out?" Vulko snorted. "It must be Batman. Ever since he showed up, Mera's been swinging on a seashell, if you know what I mean."

Aquaman looked at Tempest.

Tempest looked at Aquaman.

They both slouched down in their chairs.

* * *

"Helena."

"Well, well, well…look who it is." Huntress' mouth curved into a saucy grin and she sauntered up to him. She traced a finger over the Kevlar/Nomex weave protecting his chest. "Looking for trouble?"

"Always." Nightwing bent his head to kiss her, but she stepped out of his embrace. "I thought you were looking for a way to get into the family," he asked, raising one eyebrow.

"Who says I haven't found one?" she asked, winking at him.

Nightwing recoiled. "Ew."

* * *

"Father!"

"Yes, my dear?" Ra's al Ghul sighed. He was quite used to that outraged cry and knew that no good would come of it.

"I will suffer no more of these fools," she snarled, stomping into his chambers wearing something…black and transparent.

"Daughter, please," Ra's growled, averting his eyes. "Do you feel the need to—"

"Father, this procession of bumbling idiots must end!"

"Talia, I am in dire need of an heir. You know that. Time is running out…"

"Then bring back my Beloved! I refuse to be your breeding cow for the child of an idiot!"

"My dear, you know I would if I could but…"

"No more excuses," Talia said haughtily. "I will accept no one but my Beloved." She stamped out of the room as best as one can stamp while wearing strappy sandals.

Ra's sighed again and looked up at his bodyguard. "Did you hear that, Ubu? He's spoiled her for other men. There is no other choice."

"What are we going to do, Master?" Ubu asked.

"The same thing we do every time, Ubu. We're going to try to take over the world." 

* * *

"This is _so_ not fair," Argent complained, throwing her purse onto the kitchen counter.

"An important life lesson," Roy agreed, just before using his forehead to pop open the seal on a jar of peanut butter.

"Aren't you going to ask me what's so not fair?" Toni asked, poking her finger into the peanut butter jar.

"Nah. I figured you'd tell me anyway," Roy said, slopping some jelly onto a piece of bread.

"I was on a date," Toni complained.

"That's definitely not fair," Roy agreed, pressing the two pieces of bread together. "And it's…2am, so either it didn't go well, or…"

"I used to _like_ men!" Toni whined. 

Roy blinked. This was enough to draw his attention from his sandwich. "And this has changed…how?"

"Batman," Toni snarled. "I did him once…ONCE. And now I just…can't get no satisfaction." She picked up her purse and strode out of the room.

Roy blinked and wondered if maybe he should have offered to trade mentors with Robbie.

* * *

"I do not hear anyone, sister," Aliki Marceau whispered to her sister Margot.

"Patience, sister," Margot responded. "We are breaking the law. He will be here."

"Ah, you two, again."

The sisters cartwheeled happily in opposite directions.

"We knew you would—oh. Hello."

"You seem disappointed to see me," Azrael commented. "Did you not think you would be caught, stealing as you are, in Gotham City?"

"Well, of course we thought we'd get caught," Margot said with a toss of her head.

"We just thought it would be by Batman," Aliki admitted.

"Batman?" Azrael looked confused. "You should be gratified that I am not him."

The girls exchanged glances and shrugged.

"Is there something I am missing?" Azrael asked.

Again, the girls exchanged glances, grinned at each other, and shook their heads.

"Not a thing!"

* * *

"Well, look what the cat dragged in." 

Nightwing tensed as he felt the coils of the whip wrap around his arms, then tighten as Selina Kyle reeled him in.

"Selina," he said evenly. "I think I can safely assume you're up to no good."

"I'm a bad girl," she reasoned. "That's what bad girls do."

By this time, Nightwing was face to face with her.

"Trying to make Batman jealous again?" he asked.

"If it would work," she purred. "But that just got me…laughed at, in the past," she added with a dark look at her captive.

"So what are you going to do with me?" Nightwing asked, studying her face.

"Haven't decided yet," she said thoughtfully, eyeing him. "But don't worry. You're in no danger. I always throw the…small ones…back."

* * *

**_Chronicles of Themyscira_**

Yesterday, the Princess Diana brought unto Themyscira a mysterious man dressed as a Bat. Little is known of him except that he is of Man's World and is a comrade-in-arms to the Princess Diana.

Queen Hippolyta has granted him asylum and assured all that he is worthy of such sacred trust. 

Princess Diana assures us that his presence is beneficial and promotes peace.

Artemis deems him a "suitable challenge" and has proven her words by engaging in combat with the gentleman several times during his visit. 

Donna Troy has added that the stranger is well-known on Man's World for his honor and his extreme physical prowess.

_Historian's personal note: The stranger possesses talents of a sort unheard of in Themyscira. The historian has personally explored these talents and finds them equal, if not surpassing their reputation. _

* * *

"Hello? Oh, Jack, where are you?" Dana Drake asked her husband. The static of the cellular phone muffled his voice. "What? You're spending the night there? No problem, honey. No, of course I'll miss you, but I'll be fine, don't worry about me . Yes, dear, I love you, too. Have a good flight!"

Dana smiled to herself and laid the receiver back in the cradle. Tim was away at Brentwood and Jack was stuck in Keystone City on business for another night. She lifted the receiver again and hit the speed dial button for Wayne Manor.

* * *

Roxy Rocket ignited the missile between her legs and grabbed the controls. She whizzed through the Gotham skyline until she saw Wayne Towers below her. Setting the missile on automatic pilot, she jumped down to the roof of the building. She ran to the edge and jumped, spreading her arms wide. She grabbed an American flag on the way down, whipping her body around the pole and tearing the material to slow her descent. She clutched the fabric like a parachute. Angling her body, she crashed through a window, rolling out of the dive and running for the door. She ran through several executive offices and dropped down the center of a stairwell. She leapt from a third floor window to the top of a car going 40 miles per hour. She glanced over her shoulder to see two police cruisers with their lights flashing and sirens wailing. She jumped for a light post, swinging herself up and jumping on her rocket. She sighed in disgust. No matter what she did, she couldn't top her tete a' tete from a few months back. No question about it. Batman really _was_ the Ultimate Thrill. 

* * *

"Yes, I'd like to make an intergalactic call to Karna. I need to talk to Princess Koriand'r."

"Authorization code, please."

Dick rolled his eyes and typed in a string of numbers. After several rings, a receptionist answered the line and scurried off to find Kory.

"Dick, it's been a long time," she greeted him warmly, a bright smile lighting her face.

"Hi Kory!" Dick replied, feeling better already. "It has been a long time."

"What's up?" she asked. "Not that I don't love having you call me…but it's certainly been a while since I decided to stay on Karna and this is the first I've heard from you."

"Yeah, I'm sorry about that. I just…had a question."

"Well, go ahead and ask it," Kory said kindly. "I'll answer as best I can."

"Did you ever sleep with Bruce?"

"Did I…?" Kory's blush answered that question. 

"Yeah, I figured. So was he better than me? I mean was he like, really incredibly better than me?"

There was a long pause.

"I'm losing resolution," Kory said, squinting at the screen. "Dick, honey, I'm losing the connection…I'll have to call you back." The screen went dark.

Dick moaned and leaned his head on the console.

* * *

"Hope! Mercy! Where are you?" President Lex Luthor glared around the Oval Office, looking for his favorite bodyguards.

The Secret Service agent at the doorway tried to remain impassive.

"Right here, Boss!" Mercy and Hope tumbled in the door, looking disheveled.

"Where were you?" Luthor demanded. 

The girls studied the floor.

"There was a…party last night," Mercy explained haltingly.

"So?"

"Bruce Wayne showed up…the rich guy? Showed up real late…"

"And?"

The girls looked at each other and fought the urge to giggle. 

"It was…a long night, Boss."

* * *

Zatanna adjusted her top hat as she stepped into the JLA monitor room. She was early for her shift and didn't expect to see anyone but Power Girl, whom she was relieving.

"What's going on?" she asked, walking up behind the gaggle of women. All women, she noted. She glanced at the screen. Gotham City? They never monitored Gotham City. They never had to.

"It's the All-Batman, All-the-Time channel," Supergirl explained, enlarging a portion of the screen. "We like to watch him…move."

"He's…powerful," Power Girl said.

"He's…super," Supergirl added.

Zatanna sighed in agreement. "He can do magic."

"He's capable of handling a _real_ woman," Big Barda announced. The room fell silent and Big B looked around to see the other women staring at her. "What?" 

* * *

"Hey, Kendra," Dinah Laurel Lance greeted her teammate as she walked into the JSA kitchen with a cup of coffee. "What's the matter?"

Kendra was leaning on her palm, swirling milk around with her spoon. She sighed deeply.

"I'm loving having Hawkman back," she sighed. "He's a great lover and I know he's my soul mate, but…"

"But what?" Dinah asked, pulling up a chair.

"Well…I'm…well, I'm Sheira. And…I have her memories…and…well apparently there was this one time…I have these memories of Batman…and well…" Kendra paused in shame. "I want them to be MY memories…"

"Mmm." Black Canary took a sip of her coffee. "Batman's good," she admitted. "Thoughtful…energetic…" She shook her head. "But Martian Manhunter." She nodded firmly. "HE was the best I've ever had."

Fin


End file.
